| bright and shiney! |
[Sep. 24th, 2005|11:47 pm] |
i feel very very trapped..
and i'm not liking it one bit.
my car died on friday. i dont know whats wrong considering i've actually been taking care of it. but apparently i blew the engine.
and its in some parking lot somewhere, and we have to get a tow truck to move it to the auto shop.
so right then and there, thats a pretty good reason to feel all trapped.
i mean, shit. i cant go anywhere. i cant just jump in my car and get away if i need to. i cant be like i'm leaving here's where i'm going bye.
i have a back up car. its my dads.
he said i could use it for work and school.
but other than that i really cant use it.
then i'm just really annoyed with my mom..
i think it might just be that time of year where i start to hate them again, but i really am annoyed with them.
first off, she is a control freak, and she has to have the last word.
she loves making choices for me, and like..telling people its ok or not ok to do something, without asking me.
when it involves something of mine or my help or some shit like that.
its like WTF
she did that yesterday and it upset me so bad.
i feel like i'm being punished for breaking the car..which isnt my fault.
i mean if i twas something like i didnt check the oil again, after it happened last time, that would be my fault.
but i checked it.
and i checked the antifreeze.
and just..grr..
fuck me..
not to mention i'm just a manic depressive and will do stupid shit like cry for no reason in the world.
hmm..
and whats strange is,
i really have the urge to talk to Sei about stuff..
bc..i dunno..
i just feel that i should.
and i usually can, that is if he isnt off somewhere fucked up. which he very well could be.
i'm out now.
that was my pointless ranting post. |
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| this house is not a home |
[May. 6th, 2005|09:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  grumpy | ] |
I've never been so happy, and so pissed off, at the same time.
So school today was actually pretty good. Cody hung out with me durring lunch, since no one else would, and durring 3rd period a bunch of crap happened in the first building. First a bunch of black kids got introuble for something and they were all runnign around the school. probably a drug bust or something. and then not but 20 minutes later a girl was found at the bottom of the stairs passed out or nocked out.
it was way crazy.
4rth was kool except for savvs and i knocked heads back stage, and it hurt like mad.
i had to wait 2349834893428934 million years for my mom to get off her ass and take me to get my car back. she kept watching the tv and i hate that so much. she completely gets into the zone of it. i'm like wtf what can be that interesting!?!
i went to the mall..
it was completely boring there, the mall was dead of all the people that i know. Cody was working spencer's so i chilled with him mostly, and that was pretty cool actually.
i went for a walk and ended up stopping into hottopic to say hey to James. and who was there? But Matt of course, with Laura. i didnt know it was her at first, but i assumed it and i was right in the end.
he texted me as to why i didnt say hi, i said he looked busy.
eventually as i was walking outside he came up and completely pounced me from behind and it scared me to death! i didnt expect it but i was happy none the less. i thought he was never going to talk to me again, but there he was hugging me and talking and laughing and smiling.
his smile in infectious.
he left tho, said he was goin home to his mums house to be alone so he could play step mania. gahhh, i hate stepmania, but thats partially bc i suck so much at it.
anyways so i was in a good mood when i got back to Cody right? then my mom is a bitch and wouldnt let me hang out with them after the mall, bc they are three guys..
i was lyterally like WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?
so, its ok for me to go out almost every day with Mo, Eric, Joey, and Ryan. who are all 98993 times worse than anything Cody, Danny, or Brian could ever be. but no..my mom was a prick and was like "you cant go someplace with three guys." and then hung up on me.
she prolly thinks i'm a horrible kid bc i even asked..i dont even want to know what she was like when she was my age.
so i'm home now.. alone..i'm getting used to it tho..i dunno..
i'm gunno go amuse myself now.
Cry baby is on tv. yeyness. |
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| one more nail in the coffin and its all for you |
[May. 5th, 2005|08:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Bleeding through | ] |
today just sucked.
i cant put it any plainer than that.
1st period was to short for what i like, 2nd was much to long with an hour to spare after that dumb test that i flunked..3rd was meaningless, and 4th was actually kool..
but gods the times in between were depressing.
Sei and i broke up the other night. he actually took it really well, but i know that was just because it hadnt had time to hit him yet.
he actually came to school today, which i didnt expect at all.
he asked me why i still wore the heart necklace he gave me..thats suppost to represent his beaten and broken heart..
honestly i didnt even remember i was wearing it..bc i just never take it off..
but i guess i'm going to have to sometime soon..after all, its not my heart anymore.
he's free to give it to whoever he likes.
he got angry with me at lunch. Saying that i had already moved on to flirting with everyone. that upset me. i wasnt flirting, atleast not intentionally, but i can understand his anger so i let him pout about it and yell as he wanted.
he told me i didnt want to try to fix things..
i've been trying to fix things with him for months..i dont think many people can blame me for finally giving up. i mean if we didnt work out the first 2 or 3 times..i dont give us much hope for this last time either..
i've been feeling creative. i wish i could work a sewing machine, i have one, i just need to know how to use it, and where the cord to plug it in went to.
i want to make pretty clothes that i have been having ideas for.
i want to get more intouch with..me lets say. i dont really know who or what i am. i hate it. i feel i have no identity at all bc i have become so much what others expect of me.
::sigh::
i hate when people are depressed..and take it out on others..it really pisses me off..
i know i have been a victim of this kind of behavior before, but i try not to do it anyway.
i dont plan on finding someone else to make me happy, as Sei puts it. he keeps telling me to find someone new. i dont want that.
i dont want to think about the next poor soul that will fall in love with me. and i dont want someone NEW anyway.
maybe what i want is someone old. but at the moment, i dont feel i deserve anyone, or anything for that matter. i just hurt whoever i am with, even the ones i truly love..
i'm going to go now.
continue listening to the awesomeness of bleeding through and making morbid pictures.
oh, here is my brady bunch photo of my future family, hopefully..
::crosses fingers::
but i can only hope..
Savvs will understand ^_^ my undomesticated animal you.
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| cut my wrist and black my eyes |
[May. 4th, 2005|05:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | breaking benjamin | ] |
So yea..School today was actually really good. Boring, but good.
no one bothered me save for Husketh, who pissed me off sooo fucking bad. she took off like 20 points on something bc i didnt go do a salary report, that was assigned to me while i was ABSENT, and then she didnt write it on my to do list and didnt tell me about it so i didnt do it, than she bitches me out saying we talked about it for 3 days i should have known. excuse me, when ppl are talking about something i dont know about, i tend to tune them out and figure it doesnt concern me.
anyways..woo..nice long rant about the little things Husketh does..
2nd and 4th were only like 45 minutes long, which was fuckin awesome. meaning i have 2 hours of drama tomorrow. thats so kick ass. i get to chill with my Savvy, and others for two whole hours.
Sei wasnt at school today, the principal wouldnt let him come back till he went to a shrink first. they wanted to suspend him for 10 days for threatening..i have no idea what he threatened but whatever, he'll be back tomorrow..joy..
He is so irrational sometimes, that i dont know how to handle him right now. part of me would love to just get along with him and smile and laugh and just talk like we used to. but then theres this other part that wants to scream at him and be so mean..but i dont want to be mean..not to anyone..
i think most of the group is completely against me now. Mimi, Jarrett and all them..
durring lunch no one even talked to me. Mimi said hi, but other than that everyone kept away. i just grabbed my stuff and went to the library, since i had no one to talk to anyway, and Cody had skipped for lunch with Danny.
for some reason this doesnt really bother me to badly.
anyways..
i should go find a job right now..
but i'm probably not going to.
i'm probably going to be a hermit and read all night and look up pointless pictures that i think are pretty on the internet.
ok.
Bye bye now |
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| if you steal my sunshine.. |
[May. 3rd, 2005|04:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
Things are really really bad..
Sei and i got into a fight..only this one isnt like the others..its worse..and i dont know if we will make it through it..
we were on the phone and started arguing..and it got bad..
he didnt show up at school till A lunch..then wouldnt talk to anyone and wouldnt let anyone touch him..when i tried to get away from it (bc it was really depressing to be around) he followed..but wouldnt talk..and when i tried to hug him, he pushed me away..so i started to cry and ran to the library where i knew i could get away from him..
he followed me in the library, wrote me a letter, than left to go home..his mom came in and wanted to talk to me about it..she didnt know what was going on..I fell bad for her..and just..sad..bc i know she probably doesnt want me with him anymore..
the rest of my day was pointless.. i've spent it waiting for 3:30 so i could go home to call Sei..but he isnt answering the phone now.
I'm scared and worried..
I honestly dont know what to expect with our conversation tonight. judging he will talk to me. I refuse to talk through Mimi again..
Parents suck..school sucks..trying to have a social life is pointless..and my boyfriend hates me..
whats the point in trying anymore?
i'm just..giving up..theres no point in even trying to look happy about anything..bc there's nothing worth being happy over..
i have no one..
i am nothing..
i just need to go. |
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| bleeding hearts shed no tears |
[May. 1st, 2005|07:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silence | ] |
After all that has transpired
after all thats taken place
after all the stab wounds
and just just before my death
i rise pheonix like a new
from the still burning ashes of false hearts lies
to fly once agains to shine from within
dismember my myself
severe my viens
poisen myself
a heartless joke
slash at my neck
gouge out my eyes
screaming in agony
you pacify me.
bleeding hearts shed no tears
soaked all the way through with remorse and regret
fire to purify my soul and blood to replenish it
i search in hopes of completion to justify my love for you
nothing ever ends where our souls begin
nothing can save me from myself
you keep me safe
resurrecting my love
an angel like you
can never fall
heaven i found
right in my arms
i found love in you
i find truth in you
i see light in you
and it horrifies me |
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| letter to my fallen angel..that i shot out of the sky |
[May. 1st, 2005|12:41 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | scared | ] |
pleez pleez just leave me a message. pleez pick up your phone and see i am worried about you. see how many messages i've left with you and pleez..just know how sorry i am.
Know that i still care with so much of my heart..that i cry and shake and am so completely misrable knowing what i've done to you and that i cant even fix it now..you wont let me..
not that i think i could..
but i want to try..i want so much to see you again and hold you and tell you its going to be ok.. i want you to smile again and laugh and be what you used to be..
i know you hate it here.. i know you just want to get away..but you cant go back to the past..we only have the future..and i want you in my future. i want you alive.
and if you werent i think i would die..die bc i would know i've done it to you..
I never stopped loving you. i was just so scared. and i still am. and now i'm worried and more scared than i've ever been in my life..
bc i'm afraid that i've murdered you. i'm afraid i've ruined you beyond comprehintion and you will never mend yourself..
i know i didnt do all of it..i know there were other things in your life that i couldnt fix, and that were killing you no matter what i did..but i added to the pain in your life..and for that i am so sorry..
no words i could ever say could convince you of this i know.. you will never forgive me..i do not expect you to..
but i'm so worried for you..and i cant stop worrying and i wont stop caring..
i'm just so..sorry.. |
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| your whole life you can be told something is wrong..so you believe it. |
[Apr. 30th, 2005|10:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
Its been a pretty decent weekend so far..pretty chill.
Sei's birthday party thing was nice. it was pretty chill. but then i always have to leave early so for all i know it could have gotten crazier. Which from Robbys point of veiw, it did.
Savvs came home with me and we watched movies for the rest of the night. We were gonna try to hit Luckys, but the show was 18+!!! what the fuck!?!? how could they do that to an Ivy league and Madhatters show!?
well..they did..and no one is happy about it. apperently they the skins chased out 27 people. at $5 a peice, that a fucking lot of money to throw out just bc they are under 18 and that was never a problem before.
anywho..
Saturday i didnt get to leave till 2 something, my brothers had to stay home with me bc my mom and dad went to a dog show 30 minutes away. then savvs and i left to go to Mayfair 16 to see Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy with Sei, Richard, Takkun, jeremy, and Tims mum..
this is when i got pissed..
like..really just snapped..
APARENTLY i was suppost to go pick up Sei from his hous to go to the movie..when i asked him the first time he said he didnt need a ride, bc his mom was going. Then i had savvs call and she said he didnt need a ride. i figured why would he, his mom is there. we show up at the movies and richard and jeremy are outside and they ask where is Sei..
they tell me he stayed behind waiting on me..
i was so pissed off..
we were already 5 minutes late for the movie..which had started at 2:45..and i had to go back through traffic to get him..
which he didnt even seem to give a shit that i was practicly foaming at the mouth with frustration at him. he slowly finished up his conversation with some random chick on his front porch and then finally is like hey, and looks at his watch, to signal i'm late..
it wasnt really the fact that i had to pick him up that upset me..it was that i had to go back and forth to do this shit..and we were 30 minutes late to the movie.. and he didnt even really care i was mad about it.
he thought it was stupid for me to be angry with him..
honestly i dont know who i was mad at..i dont think i was mad AT anyone..but i was mad.
then Takkun has the nerve to ask if i can go pick someone up..i wouldnt have minded any other day..but my car is shit..its about to break..i had already wasted gas trying to get back and forth from mayfair and Sei's..and i was just in a shitty mood..i wasnt going to let anyone else take my car bc knowing them they;d fuck it up even more..and once i saw Allens road, i was glad as hell i hadnt let anyone take my car..bc i was about to scream. I'm never going to pick Allen up again! he can walk! i hate those roads!
ok, so i had the biggest break down in my car after that and just sat there and cried and wanted to go home..
honestly once i was already 30 minutes late for the movie, i was THIS close to telling Sei to get out my car and i was gonna go home..let Savvs go home with the Maloni's and i'd go back for her later..i was just soo pissed and down.
things got better tho..Sei didnt want to see me sad..and he just kinda cheered me up and apparently it worked at some point. bc i got happy-ish again.
but now i am down again, and i feel really sick. and i'm going to curl up in my little ball of "i hate myself" again.
maybe watch some Harry Potter. woot.
man i'm glad i could rant about today.
LJs are great |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|07:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | lucana coil | ] |
I hate school so much.
i am so ready for it to be over, only 4 more weeks left and free for 3 months! whoohoo!
this is suppost to be the time of school where everything is easy, where its all fun and games and pizza parties and we dont learn anything and we skip non stop. i dont get that. I have a drama play that we get bitched out for missing class over. I have husketh who wants to kill my by putting an F on my progress report but there is no way in hell that i have an F. she is just a dumb ass mother fucker who cant work a computer!
my parents will shoot me if i have such a bad grade, with only 4 weeks to fix it! ahhhhhhh!
Today is Sei's birthday. we havent really stopped fighting since saturday, but we chilled out today, bc i didnt want to fight on his birthday..that happened anyway..
he is mad at me bc i wouldnt go to dinner with him and his mum and Mimi. I said i was sorry..i gave him my reason that going out to eat like that makes me nervous and uncomfortable..but noo..he wouldnt believe me..he insisted that whatever was wrong was him..he thinks i'm imbarassed of him and thats why i dont want to go out with him places.
I am so strung out..
i'm not saying i'm not in the wrong..i should have probably tried harder to make it better, since it is his birthday..
but i didnt.
i'm still not completely ok just yet.
i think its a trend. everyone is upset over something. everyone is angry and there is no spring time love in the air.
no not here in wilmington. that would be just to nice!
Weather is gettin nicer tho..so thats kool.
Ive been much to sad lately..i dont know whats wrong..well i do..maybe.. i read things..old things i had forgotten about..
things that had ment so much to me then..and still do, but maybe more now.. and it makes me so so sad. sadder than i have ever been in my life.
i've never wanted to die as much as i have wanted to this year..
but such is life..
it happens. |
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| give me some room to breath..oh breath for me..just breath for me.. |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|09:57 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | moody | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | deadstar assembly | ] |
Decided school is for people with happy lives, so i stayed home.
i made my mom believe i wasnt feeling well enough to handle school and she gave me meds and let me go to sleep. i'm up now..fucking dogs wont leave me the hell alone. and the sun is bright. I've been messing around with my camera for the last 20 minutes. i think i might have gotten an interesting shot. but we'll see.
I'm still upset. i dont expect it to go away either. I'm still really mad at Sei, but i dont know what i'm mad at exactly. so i cant yell at him. but i feel like i want to..like i need to so i can get over it. i dont think he understands just how upset i am with him. he thinks it was just one little thing he said that set me off all Saturday night..but its not..it has just built up so much that i dont even know what it is anymore. i got mad at him for saying i love you to me..
but it wasnt bc he said i love you..its bc he says it SO MUCH and at the most random times, that i dont even know if its true anymore. its like he is trying to convince himself, or me, or like he thinks i forgot or something.
i dunno..i shouldnt have gotten as mad as i did..but i snapped..and then felt like shit for it..
bc it really upset him that i was mad.
Matts gone silent again too. but then duh, of course he has. i dont expect him to talk to me anymore.
its always just a really nice surprise when he does. i miss him.. i want my friend back..
I've realized that my summer is going to blow. Everyone is leaving me or they have these really awesome plans. i dont have any plans. and i'm only leaving for a little while..which even then i dont want to do.
i wouldnt mind going to New Orleans for a visit, but at the same time, i'm way to fucking lazy to take a 12 hour car drive to go get drunk.
we need a crack shack here in Wilmington. that would save me the trouble. i KNOW i wont have enough Money or room in my suitcase to bring home anything when i go, which was gonna be the plan.
I wish i was 21...
hell i wish i was 18..
i think all my troubles would have A) never happened and B) be completely solved, if i was 18.
but i have to wait...
16 months..woohoo..
I'm not sure what i'm going to do all day. watch a movie i guess..
plan my suicide..
be miserable.
there are deffinitly enough pills in my house that i could be dead by lunch if i started collecting them now.
but i dunno..i feel like there's something i want to do before i do that..
but i dont know what it is..
Sounds like a fun day for me.
Heres some hotness for everyone. yey for cosplay
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|09:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
The cure-Boys Don't Cry
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry |
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| i'm all out of faith |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|04:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | silence | ] |
i desperately need sleep, but, its to bright out, and my mind wont let me rest..so no sleep will come.
Friday was kool with the Sei. we had the place to ourselves and he was sweet. but he usually..usually, is in person.
Saturday was pretty kool too for the most part. I had to get up early adn go work at Winter Park with Savvy. we stayed there till about 12 but we got money for it so its all good. then we went back to my house. there were a bunch of ppl here for the crawfish boil, that savvs thought was the nastiest thing in the world.
we played HDDR and listened to deadstar assembly for the most part. Then we got my shit together and hit the mall for a few just to see who was there. and we ended up buying pretty make up and such. I got black nail pollish and a red eyeliner pen.
Then we went to this dudes foody party thingy. there was lots of food and little kids..fun. but it was all good. Then we went to the rusty nail and omg that was awesome. the band was amazing. it wasnt what i expected at all. guitar, violen, and bongos all mixed together. with this guy who could sing like a god. he made me want to cry and laugh at the same time with his voice alone.
then we hit Jimbos. there was a bunch of kids there we knew, but we didnt talk to any of them really. Mike doesnt know me well enough to talk to me, he never really seemed interested in it. we got the "not welcome" vibes from his table. and Jimmy was there but he was with a bunch of ppl so we didnt intrude.
we got back to savvy's house and went for a 2 hour walk all over the place. I deffinitly know why savvs likes the water now. it was amazing. espesually with the moon being so bright and all. i told her she was soo lucky.
I'm home now. and..i must say..not happy.
I got in a fight with Sei while iwas out with Savvs the night before. but i ignored it and blew it off as nothing bc i didnt really give a shit at the time. He was pissing me off and wouldnt leave me alone to spend time with savvs and was being a complete ass. when i talked to him today, for the most part we didnt talk about the fight. save for the little things that needed to get said..
i wanted to yell, i wanted to scream..but i didnt know what i wanted to yell or scream..i just sat there trying to get over it..i love him..but i dont think he understands me sometimes..not that thats his fault..
I finally got a text from matt today..several infact..but they all lead to me crying uncontrolably and telling Sei i couldnt talk.
I asked him if he would let me see him sometime..i wasnt expecting him to be like, "of course! come by and we'll talk about the good ol'times". but i didnt think about the fact that he would say no..
of course he wouldnt want to see me..look what i did to him! i wouldnt want to see me either..
i just..broke down..
i'm not used to this..this..not seeing him thing..
I dont expect him to love me, or even like me as a friend, but god i hate not seeing him. i dont know how to think sometimes bc all i can do is think where is he, or what is he doing right now, is he thinking of me, or will he ever ever just look at me again.
I'm just so..sad..wishing for something that will never happen..
i deserve this pain and loneliness i have..bc i made it happen.
but i still wish i could talk to him.. then i wouldnt feel this hole in my heart..that's where he is suppost to be.. |
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| If you could only see.. |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|04:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 616 abortions | ] |
So what i WANT to do, and what i am doing tonight will prolly be very different things.
I WANT to go out and take some photos. i really do. So i can finish off my roll of black and whites and get them developed. I really like going to Tabula Rasa rather than Hoggards dark room. OBVIOUSLY its 83897 times better bc its way bigger and you dont have to share so much with other ppl. even if you are sharing the same chemicals your still not in anyones way. its great.
i also would love to go out with Cody Danny and Brian, since they asked me to go out with them tonight to Jimbo's. But i cant. and i told them that, and they were sad. I told them to call me anyway.
I really hate having a 9 curfue for driving. it sucks.
I am going to Sei's tonight no matter what tho. he wanted me to go to the beach with him (never saw him as a beach goer, go figure)
but he is really sick. he had to go home early and he is at a doctor appointment right now. there is no way i am taking his ass out on the beach just so he can get worse. I will stay home with him and make him chicken noodle soup or some shit.
even tho the beach WOULD be a good place to finish my film.
Crawfish boil tomorrow! woohoo!
i be excited. i luvs crawfish. i usually HATE sea food, but come on, i grew up on crawfish. and their just like shrimp! so its not really fish or anything.
I am going to eat so much food, and its gonna look so nasty, so i hope Sei doesnt get the idea to come watch this extravaganza.
Today i got really sad durring lunch. i'm not sure why, bc i thought today was really awesome. Robbie was playing his Guitar for everyone and there were ppl all just chillin in the nice weather. which made me happy. i thought to myself "this is what highschool is suppost to be like. this is what you see in movies"
but i started to cry..
bc i started to remember and get sad.
Today's the last school day Oak ever had..todays the day his dumb fuck girlfriend grabbed the wheel and killed him..
and i cried..
and i couldnt stop till the bell rang and i went to class.
I'm out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|12:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
I'm in my 3rd period.
Since i am in the library i get lots of this lovely thing called freetime..woohoo!
anyways, todays been pretty slack. Ms. Barefoot is leaving us today so we had a party for her. and we are rehersing next period for our drama play. i am uber excited about that.
Sei is better than he was yesterday. but still not completely better. he gets so pissy with me over shit and it really upsets me. but then i dont know how to tell him i'm upset..so i just keep it to myself..usually making him upset too..
but i cant help it..
I just..wonder sometimes if i messed up really bad..
but i'm not getting into that right now..
not again.
I dont know whats going on for tonight. Sei wants to go to the beach with me tonight. i dont really want to go tho..so we will see.
I'm gonna go amuse myself now.. |
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| all my friends are murderers |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|04:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Distillers | ] |
Happy belated birthday to Robbie!~!~!
I hope you had a good time at your dinner. i'm sorry there was so much drama.
I really hate drama..but i think theres no way to get out of it..its life..life IS drama..::shrugs::
anyways, So robbie's dinner thing was kool, except right when i got to CC's Sei desided it would be really kool to not talk to me anymore. so him and jeremy went off on their own thing. and that upset me muchly. Marina spilled a whole thing of diet coke on the table that ran on my leg. it was all on my plate of food so i sent Robbie to go get me more ^_^ teehee.
Everyone walked to expressions and Dance and Romance. Which we all found out Savvs would look 1324897342897 times hotter than she already is if she cut her hair short and dyed it blue.
Me blonde is going to be interesting, but i want to try it anyway.
Sei eventually talked to me....
he was upset about the joking Marina and i did about him cheating on me..we were just kidding, he knows that..but this time it really hurt him..
and then he saw me talking to Cody..and we were whispering, Sei didnt like it at all. he said it looked like he was trying to pull something, and that it was not needed to be that close to talk. That really set me off bc for one, its cody, a very good friend of mine who if he needs to talk to me i would drop everything to talk to him (that goes for anyone of my close friends) and two it pisses me off that i cant joke about him cheating on me but he is allowed to tell me how close to stand to someone!? he assumes everyone i talk to is trying to flirt with me!
i was sooo frustrated. i didnt even know what to say to him. and to top it all off i had to bring home three people and still get home by 9. i was not a happy puppy at all!
my mom asked me if i was stoned when i got home, bc i was being talkative and laughing. so i'm not allowed to laugh in my house?? whatever.
Mrs C is pissed that no one is showing up for class anymore. i cant skip till this play is done..which wont be till like the last week of school..this blows anus...i dont want to stay in school..i cant even take a beach day if i wanted!
unless my mom said it was cool, but for that to happen mum has to know i have like streight A's. which i dont. so its not gonna happen.
Saturday is the crawfish boil for my parents. its a big party thing where like TTHHHIIISS many ppl come and eat nummy food. i have to work at Winter Park in the morning. butits kool bc i'm working with savvs and we are getting $20 each.
Saturday..its the same day i found out about Oak..
its all do crazy.. |
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| where has my heart gone |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|08:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the movement | ] |
I want to be mad at everyone..
but i know thats not fair.
i think about my friends, and i almost want to scream. i would love to get away..i need to get away.
i swear i'll die if i dont.
i've never wanted to die more than i have this school year. everyday, its like a new fantasy. Something that seems more real every moment. it would be lovely to give up.
i dont want to play this game anymore. its tiring and stressful. i'm starting to feel its not worth it.
I dont even remember what was worth it..
well..maybe i do..i dont know..
i dont know anything anymore.
my day was boring. Sei was mad at me for not coming to school..woo..
I was kinda mad at him for being mad..
then he got pissy bc i wasnt "talkative" on the phone..
Sry..but i did just have my heart re-shattered, not to mention its APRIL.
my most dreaded month.
so he can fucking get over it.
i hate how guilty he makes me feel..and he does it on purpose..
i'm going to sleep. |
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| i want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|08:02 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | gazzette | ] |
Its amazing how happy a person can be..just to end up lower than they've been in months.
i wish i had razors. lots and lots of shiney clean razors.
i have none..atleast..i think i have none. but i havent really put much effort into trying to find any..i've just kind of been lying here.
I woke up this morning and managed to convince my parents that i'm not well enough for school.
Now i can stay home and do whatever i want, and not have to deal with ppl. ppl..deffinitly not what i want to see right now..i want to be around no one. i dont want a soul to come up to me and ask whats wrong, or try to hug me or tell me everythings ok..its not..its not o-fucking-k..
i feel like everything i've ever believed has been shattered..its like a child finding out there is no Santa way to early in his life.
Its like that day i found out my "dad" isnt my dad..
its like realizing your best friend is dead and you dont want to hear it.
i think its obvious i dont like the month of April. Oak died in april. its been 2 years now..two fucking years..seeing my Godfather last week didnt help with the memory.. seeing people that look like Caleb everywhere i go doesnt help.. remembering anything doesnt help.
I'm stressed. i'm tired. and i want to give up and die now.
Savvs, like i said before, i'm not angry with you..the only thing that has made me angry about this whole thing is that you waited almost 4 months to tell me. Even when i was mad as hell back in January with the assumption that something had happened, you still didnt tell me..when this could have been over with.
but i understand you were scared of me, i would have been scared of me too with how i was. So your forgiven.
But that doesnt make me any happier. It shouldnt have happened. And as you may blame the alcohole..i cannot..i wont..its no excuse..
Maybe you see nothing..but i think its all to ironic.
i'm going to go curl up in my ball of ugly now..bc thats how i feel..so very..very ugly. |
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| mbop bop bop mbop..! |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|05:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | jpop | ] |
My weekend is finally over.
lets see..
Friday i went to school, duh, then at like 6 i went to Sei's. We hung around then eventually Takkun came over and we watched Tank Girl with his mum. That was funny as hell. I loves that movie.
Then i came home at 9 as usual and at 10 Ryan, Eric, Canada, Tanner, krtisin (ryans girlfriend), and Scott (Kristin's brother) all came to my house. they were going to luckys and wanted me to come too..i really didnt want to go to luckys. but since i hadnt seen those guys in such a long time, i went. There were some kool kids there, and the Spooks were good, as usual.
Saturday woke up and got savvs. We went and got food, then went to the mall to get tapers. i stayed at the mall bc savvs had to go see her Doctor. I hung with Mike and Alex and Dave. Dave was trying to finish his Senior project for college and needed to get interveiws with us. i got to film it and it was awesomeness. i saw Chris there with his new girlfriend, and that was awesomeness too, i hadnt seen him in like 18383405498 years.
James came into work and he looked SO DAMN GOOD. he was all schoolboyed out and his hair was spiked all messy like, and he had eye liner on. i was like ::drool::
so then Savvs and i went to Kate's bday party later, my rents showed up and that was SO NOT KOOL. i thought i was going to die right then and there. but they left. i think they were disapointed that they didnt catch me snorting a line or something. the party turned out to be pretty kool even tho her rents were there. Lupton and Lindsey ::more drools:: were there.
I spent the night with savvs and we passed out kinda early.
Sunday. We went to Tabula Rasa for like an hour after we went to waffle house. yuuummmmy waffles ^-^
Tim Rinka was there and he is the shit, i hadnt seen him in a long ass time. I need to go develope my negatives as soon as i finish this role so i can make a really hot new photo collection.
Then we went and got marina..got ciggs..got gas in the car..went to Sei's, picked him, Takkun, and German up..we all went and brought marina home..then we went to the mall. we wandered around. Tim and i got seperated but he didnt want to be around them. he was upset, bc he wanted me to himself, and there was ppls everywhere. He was a lil on the down side and when i asked him what was wrong it was bc some ppl had been "checking me out". i was like yea right, but his face made me shut up. he hates it so much when ppl "check me out". bc he cant really stop it.
anyways. i brought everyone home and now i am home too.
I am not in trouble for last night..atleast not yet..::knock on wood::
we will see.
i'ma go be a lazy fat kid. |
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| you know that fucking you is strange but adored by me throughout.. |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|07:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Orgy | ] |
wooooooo schools out! schools out! schools out!
i am in a really good mood. I'm uber hyper and i dont know why. it could be all the soda and cookies in 3rd period i ate..but that only COULD be it. i might just actually be happy.
THe last few days have been good. we havent really been doing much when it comes to hard work at school. just alot of book work reviews on things. and playing scrable in class, and watching Labyrinth. WOOT for David Bowie! he is my god! actually its hard to choose between him and Billy Idol...who i am missing his concert next week..and Sid..but he's dead..i would fuck him anyway..
anywho, so Dramas been going really well. everyones been working really hard with the plays and i've almost got my lines memorized. she wants us to be off book by monday or tuesday. which i think i can manage. Keaton doesnt have to be off book obviously..since she is in the whole play with like 10000 lines, but whatever. The director really likes our scene so far, and i'm trying my hardest to keep it up beat and really "over the top" to give it energy.
Its soooo weird..but like, during A lunch, i havent had many ppl to talk to. Sei is in ISS and Freshman keeps skipping and so does Mimi. So today i ate lunch and actually TALKED with Christina Hall, Stacey, and Chrispy..Chrispy came up and HUGGED ME, and Christina and i talked about bondage straps...its weird..i never emagined myself having a normal (if you call bondage straps normal) conversation with any of those ppl..
I'm sort of trying to be a better person..atleast, i would like to be a better liked one without being fake.. i think i can do this, i just..i think hating someone, takes so much energy. its not worth it. and in the end..its not the person that i hate, its something that they have done..i wouldnt want someone to hold the past against me..so i'm not going to hold it against them. not to mention these ppl are around me every day at school, and its really hard to avoid them..for really no reason.
So i'm going to be nice, and who knows, maybe in the end i'll forget i ever even hated them. maybe i'll forget this entire entry in my LJ.
I went to Sei's tonight, that was nice, i hadnt been over there in a long time. We ended up sitting with his mum watching Tank Girl and Jason came over. It was so cute, Sei sat on the sofa and held his arms out and pouted like a 3 year old bc he wanted to hold me. I just laughed at him and sat down to shut him up. he makes the cutest pouty faces, i could never say no to it.
Tomorrow i am going to Tabula Rasa with Savvy. dunno how long, just to get some work done and see if we like it there. Hopefully it will be everything i need, bc i really want to get more into my photography. My SLR got put in the shop today so that should be done in a few weeks i would guess.
We're also going to dress up for our own personal "punk rock prom" hahahaha...i luvs you Savvy.
And on to Kates b-day party. I have no idea what to get this girl at all!
ahhhhhhh! |
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| My blood runs read beneath the knife |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|05:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dropkick murphys | ] |
ok so today was just kinda blah. really really blah. did NOT feel like going..but i did..bc i desided i wont skip any this week.
Yesterday i cant really remember anything that happened. except i got invited to Kate's birthday party on Saturday. So did Savvs so if she can go that would be awesome. I dont want to have mum drive (bc it wouldnt end till after nine).
We started working on our play. I really hope we can pull this together..we have so many slackers in our cast. and we need more enthusiasm as our director calls it. but i'm not making fun, i agree with her. i get bored just reading my own lines. i think all that will change when everyone gets off book tho.
Today i was hyper all day, bc i brought a big back of starbursts. I shared with savvs and she got hyper too. Sei wasnt in ISS today bc he didnt have any work. So he will be in ISS wednesday, Thursday, and Friday instead. which sucks bc i wanted to skip friday, but now i cant bc he wont be able to come with me.
its alright tho. i dont really want to skip again untill its warmer and the ocean is warm enough to get in. Which may not be till May.
School doesnt let out till the 25th of next month...grr...but then we dont go back till WAY late in August..which i am not used to..strangeness..
I dont know what i will do for my birthday..i wonder if i might ACTUALLY get some kind of privlages this time..i wanted to get later curfue and stuff last time but i didnt..bc my rents suck dick..and they think i will go out and do drugs and get raped and end up calling them from the county jail or something at 3 in the morning..
No..none of that would happen..bc i am good like that..i dont get involved with the cops. ^_^
My mom wants to take me for a health check up thingy with the family doctor..i do NOT want to go at all. I dont know what their gonna do to me, but it wont be good and i dont want to be put on any meds for ANYTHING. meds numb the mind. the only time they are good is when u are not perscribed to them ^-^ teehee.
Alright..i'ma go chilll..OH! here is the perfectly hot asian i found the other day ^-^
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